Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.