[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral