[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
what the
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*