Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.