Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*