At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The Assassin.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.