At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.