At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
#parenting
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze