At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Does this dress make me look cat?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old