At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.