Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback