*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.