*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.