At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for