At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Free him
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb