Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Stop sending me this shit.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.