At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now