Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”