Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

New Tinder profile.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”