[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
kids play hide and seek like
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.