[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.