[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you