Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money