[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
