Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

😂

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Yes, this is exactly right

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

sometimes i miss this memes

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough