Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

I am also baked goods

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

As the Lord intended

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.