At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?