Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Ugh

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas