At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Feels
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad