Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle