At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place