Noah build an ark
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?