At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

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Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!


That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.


Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!


My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.


ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out


How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?