At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
#catsoftwitter
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys