Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”