Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

I have taken up painting

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

You can’t rush stupid.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings