Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.