[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
seems like a niche market
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me