[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
checking out some reviews of my local library
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
