Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Mornin

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.