Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.