[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
