[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.