Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait