[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
😬
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months