At an art museum and I thought this was art
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”