At an art museum and I thought this was art
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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl