At an art museum and I thought this was art
You Might Also Like
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
consequences, the bane of my existence
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.