Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…