Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

😏😏😏

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him