*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox