Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

We avoided this particular disaster

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

My beach vacation Google searches

Them: You should try keto
Me:

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*