Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

It’s an epidemic…

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED