*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Blew out my flip flop…
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement