Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”