[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Mornin
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’ve been lied to my entire life
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.