Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”