[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Me: my appearance
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up