At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Good news
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
How times have changed.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
