At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
accurate
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
