At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
