[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!