Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…