Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Oh, I bet you would be

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school