Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

This sounds bad:

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

I love snow

– People who never shovel

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.