At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
(more comics:
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.