At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Is this a threat?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness