@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

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@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@Pundamentalism

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@Gupton68

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

@c12h22o11balls

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir