[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir