At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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welcome back
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Lol
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars